ilmaffectional

2008-02-25T10:38:00.003+07:00

i'mmovingtoanewhouse!

Ilmaffectional has stepped her foot to here.. See you in the crossroads!!

2007-11-14T14:06:00.000+07:00

DuaPuluhTujuh.

Hmm, cukup lama juga ya saya menganaktirikan blog ini. Kesibukan, kemalasan, hilangnya kepercayadirian dalam menulis dan semangat berbagi cerita membuat saya sengaja menarik diri dari blog ini dalam waktu yang cukup panjang. Postingan saya yang terakhir ternyata sudah berumur 4,5 bulan sekarang-- waktu yang tidak sebentar tapi juga sangat singkat untuk merangkum skenario Tuhan dalam perjalanan waktu yang saya lalui itu.

Satu hal yang menjadi garis bawah tebal berwarna merah yang menjadi pelajaran penting untuk saya selama 4,5 bulan itu adalah, "Tuhan adalah Sutradara Terbaik" dan saya adalah "aktris pemeran utama yang masih harus banyak belajar untuk menjadi bintang di mata-Nya". Tugas yang amat sangat berat untuk saya, karena skenario yang Dia berikan ternyata begitu penuh dengan permainan emosi yang membuat rasio seringkali menolak untuk bekerja, dan karakter yang saya perankan cukup sulit saya mainkan. Belum lagi, skenario yang Dia ciptakan terjadi begitu spontan dan tak terduga, sehingga membuat saya terkejut dan sering panik dalam mengimprovisasi peran. Improvisasi yang saya lakukan seringkali tidak sesuai dengan apa yang Sang Sutradara inginkan; dan sebaliknya, apa yang Sang Sutradara mau terkadang terlalu berat untuk saya mainkan..

Sebagai seorang aktris yang masih merangkak, tentunya saya memiliki banyak idola yang bisa saya jadikan contoh dan panutan dalam berseni hidup. Diantara ratusan idola tersebut, ada 2 orang bintang yang sangat saya agungkan. Drama hidup yang mereka mainkan sangat sempurna serta jujur, dan mereka adalah sumber inspirasi saya dalam memainkan peran saya sebagai seorang Ilma.

Mereka adalah Yahdi Zaim dan Anita Fithriani, ayah dan ibu saya.

Ibu saya diberi kepercayaan oleh Sang Sutradara untuk menjadi seorang ibu untuk 3 orang anak, sekaligus istri untuk seorang kepala keluarga. Selama 27 tahun Ibu berperan hebat dan begitu luar biasa menjadi seorang pendamping hidup bagi ayah saya. Dua puluh tujuh tahun. Waktu yang tidak singkat, bukan? Romantisme hidup yang beliau mainkan tidak dapat terukur oleh apapun. Ibu saya bisa menjadi seorang Juliet sekaligus Erin Brockovich, tapi juga bisa seperti Bridget Jones sekaligus ibu kita Kartini, unik kan? Karakter unik yang beliau perankan membuat Ayah harus pintar-pintar mengimprovisasi perannya sendiri selama 27 tahun menjadi lawan mainnya.
Ibu adalah sosok wanita yang sangat sempurna di mata saya, dan saya yakin juga sangat sempurna di mata Ayah. Tanpa beliau, saya tidak akan pernah tahu bagaimana rasanya menjadi seorang Ilma. Banyak sekali pelajaran hidup yang saya peroleh dari beliau- bagaimana membintangi seri romantis yang bisa tetap survive dalam berbagai episode yang begitu panjang dan dalam durasi yang tidak sebentar. Ayah saya sering sekali mengungkapkan kepada saya betapa besarnya kekaguman beliau terhadap Ibu, betapa beliau sangat bangga memiliki istri seperti Ibu, dan betapa beliau sangat mencintai Ibu saya melebihi apapun. 27 tahun adalah angka yang lebih dari kata dewasa, dan Ibu adalah bintang yang tidak akan pernah redup..

Ayah saya adalah lawan main Ibu yang sangat mengimbangi kekurangan dan kelebihan Ibu. Memang Sang Sutradara benar-benar sutradara terbaik. Dia bisa dengan begitu sempurna memasangkan aktor dan aktris yang bisa saling mengisi dan melengkapi. Skenario yang Dia ciptakan juga begitu indah; 27 tahun penuh episode romantis yang dilengkapi dengan bumbu-bumbu hidup yang membuat kebersamaan mereka sungguh menarik. Ayah saya seorang yang cukup idealis dan sangat berpegang teguh pada prinsipnya. Ibu sering mengeluh tentang kekakuan ayah saya; tapi Ibu juga sangat bisa mencairkan kekakuan Ayah dengan improvisasi peran yang sangat hebat. 27 tahun hidup sebagai kepala keluarga dan imam bagi kami adalah pekerjaan aktor yang tak ternilai. Adalah suatu tugas yang sangat berat, menjadi pemimpin yang bisa membimbing istri dan anak-anak menjadi aktris dan aktor yang kelak mampu mengambil hati Sang Sutradara dan meraih piala penghargaan di akhir drama hidupnya..

Ibu sayang, terimakasih atas 25 tahun yang penuh cinta untuk Ilma; terimakasih untuk kasih sayang, kesabaran dan pengorbanan Ibu yang telah begitu kuat merangkul pundak Ayah selama 27 tahun ini.. Terimakasih untuk tidak berhenti menjadi bintang dalam keluarga kita ini; terimakasih untuk ketulusan berbagi cahaya hati untuk kami semua.. Ibu harus tahu betapa seringnya Ayah meminjam telinga Ilma untuk bilang, "Ayah bangga menjadi suami Ibu." There's a great woman behind a great man, Bu.. Ayah tidak mungkin bisa sehebat ini tanpa Ibu disampingnya..

Ayah sayang, terimakasih atas 25 tahun penuh bimbingan atas nilai-nilai hidup untuk Ilma; terimakasih atas kokohnya punggung keluarga selama 27 tahun ini.. Terimakasih atas perjuangan untuk tetap berdiri tegak agar keluarga ini bisa selalu kuat dalam kebersamaan, terimakasih untuk semua pembelajaran hidup yang selalu Ayah tanamkan kepada kami. Ayah juga harus sadar bahwa dibalik setiap cerita, Ibu selalu bangga setiap kali mengucapkan nama emas Ayah.. Strong man has a strong soul, Yah.. Tetaplah kuat karena selalu akan ada Ibu di samping Ayah...

Kepada Ayah dan Ibu, cahaya hidup Ilma, para motivator Ilma untuk tetap kuat menjadi seorang Ilma;

15 November 2007. Semoga episode kebersamaan yang telah Ayah Ibu rangkum sejak 27 tahun yang lalu dan penuh dengan cerita-cerita indah ini tidak akan pernah berakhir; dan semoga Sang Sutradara Terbaik senantiasa memberikan berkah-Nya kepada kita semua, dan semoga kita menjadi bintang dengan penghargaan tertinggi di hadapan-Nya. Amin.. Selamat Ulang Tahun Pernikahan!!!

Maaf tahun ini Ilma cuman bisa ngasih doa, gak bisa ngasih apa-apa kayak ulang tahun sebelumnya.. Maaf juga minggu ini Ilma gak bisa pulang ke Bandung.. Insya Allah ntar pas Ilma pulang kita makan sushi yuukk!!!!

2007-07-16T14:56:00.000+07:00

New ilmaffectional :)

Sekarang saya pakai jilbab. Kaget? Gak percaya? Saya juga gak pernah sekalipun nyangka akan pakai jilbab secepat ini. Gak sama sekali. Padahal saya tahu, di Islam wanita hukumnya wajib menggunakan jilbab- sama wajibnya dengan shalat- tapi tetep aja hati saya gak pernah tergerak. Niat sih ada, tapi sedikit.. Mikirnya entar aja deh kalo udah nikah, itu juga kalo boleh sih entar-entar aja deh kalo udah punya anak dan bodi udah gak menarik lagi. Tapi siapa sangka- saya pun gak percaya- sekarang saya sudah pakai jilbab.

Sebuah keputusan terbesar dalam hidup, memutuskan untuk pakai jilbab di usia saya yang sekarang ini. Sebuah keputusan yang membutuhkan kesiapan mental dan kematangan spiritual, dan sebuah perjuangan besar dalam melawan perang batin. Sumpah, keputusan ini nggak semata-mata saya putuskan dengan mudah. Selama 6 bulan saya mengalami perang batin yang sangat dahsyat, bener gak sih saya akan pakai jilbab? Siap gak sih? Yakin gak sih saya? Seumur hidup saya hidup tanpa jilbab, saya selalu pamer rambut dan sering pakai baju-baju pendek. Yakin gak sih saya siap meninggalkan semua itu? Bener-bener keputusan yang gak mudah bagi saya. SALUT banget deh saya sama wanita-wanita berjilbab yang berani mengambil keputusan menggunakan jilbab sejak lama...

Saya bukan tipe wanita muslim yang baik, sabar, kalem, sholehah dan rela menutup aurat. Saya seorang muslimah, yang insyaallah -maaf, tidak ada maksud untuk riya- berusaha untuk menjalankan semua kewajiban agama, tapi punya prinsip “do not ever judge people by its cover”. Walaupun fisik saya tidak berjilbab, insyaallah saya selalu berusaha menjilbabi hati saya. Toh kita juga tidak bisa menilai apakah wanita berjilbab itu benar-benar berjilbab hatinya. Duh, bisa-bisanya ya saya ngomong gini, padahal udah jelas-jelas jilbab itu wajib…

Sampai akhirnya sebuah momen itu datang. 6 bulan yang lalu, saya merasa dengan akan datangnya momen tersebut, saya diberi tanggung jawab untuk menjadi seorang muslimah yang jauh lebih baik dari sebelumnya. Tentunya, salah satunya adalah dengan melaksanakan kewajiban menggunakan jilbab. Selama 6 bulan hati saya gak tenang, perang batin ini bener-bener membuat saya sering menangis. Seharusnya kalau saya memang beriman, saya tidak boleh ragu akan hal ini. Tapi ternyata saya ragu, artinya saya masih belum beriman. Hhhh..
Sampai 2 minggu menjelang hari-H, perang batin ini semakin dahsyat. Gak bisa dijelasin deh gimana perjuangan saya melawan godaan yang terus datang bertubi-tubi. Emang dasar syaitonirojim yahhh, sadis banget kalo udah ngegodain..

Akhirnya, di suatu tempat yang dikenal sebagai “Rumah Allah”, rasanya semua gejolak batin yang ada seketika lenyap. Air mata saya bener-bener gak bisa berhenti berderai. Sejak itulah saya mencoba untuk kuat dan berserah diri. Dan alhamdulillah, semua doa saya terjawab. Sedikit demi sedikit Allah menunjukkan jalan-Nya, dan semua petunjuk itu membuat saya merenung dan menjadikan itu semua sebagai dasar keputusan saya dalam memakai jilbab. Disana, Allah telah berkali-kali mengingatkan saya dalam beberapa peristiwa, diantaranya yaitu:
1. selama disana saya tidak berhasil mencium Hajar Aswad karena saya pernah menunda shalat Shubuh padahal hanya 5 menit saja
2. waktu bus yang saya tumpangi pecah ban dan hampir oleng di tengah-tengah padang pasir dalam perjalanan menuju “Rumah Allah” yang lain.
It’s a sign. Inti dari semua hikmah dari semua kejadian tersebut adalah:
1. Kalo ibadah jangan ditunda-tunda, kalo nunda-nunda maka Allah juga akan menunda kenikmatan-Nya.
2. Kita gak pernah tau kapan kita akan mati.

Dan sejak itulah saya bertekad untuk pake jilbab. Insyaallah dengan ini, saya bisa menunaikan kewajiban untuk Tuhan saya, membahagiakan orang tua saya dan menyempurnakan ibadah saya sendiri. Mohon doa dan dukungannya yaaaa :)

PS. kalo mo liat foto gw dengan penampilan baru gw, buka fs aja yah :P

2007-05-30T11:02:00.001+07:00

The girl & the woman

Look at this naughty and toothless little girl!!

This 5 years old kid used to answer, "I want to be a BOY" everytime people ask her, "What do you want to be in the future". And it was simply because she envy them who pee in standing position and would rather plays wildly in the backyard instead of playing stupid doll with her spoil girl friends. Hahaha..

Her mom says, this girl has a very high self esteem. She is so naughty so that her mom oftenly cries because of her naughtiness. She never afraid of anything-- she goes to preschool playgroup and she become the student leader, she loves school while her friends cry out loud to their momma. She doesn't even shy to play with stranger kids, she goes to a park with full of native kids and she speaks and plays with them with tarzanic language confidently. She always knows what she wants, and she's always trying hard to reach her dreams. She really wants to beat her boy friends in sprint, so she exercised so hard and won the race. She doesn't care with what her friends always say about this and that-- she loves drawing a beautiful princess who plays with a tiger-- she doesn't care eventhough all of her friends in her class prefer to draw a landscape with a shinny sun in the middle of two triangle mountains and a blocking rice fields in front of it. She's also used to says, "Yes, I am READY for that." because she precisely knows that she can do and face everything.

Now, look at this- not toothless anymore but now in brace- woman.

The naughty and toothless little girl above thanked, this woman didn't sexually transform herself to a boy. This woman realize being a woman is such a miracle because she could get pregnant, give a birth, and become a mother. What an amazing essence of life!!!

Her mom says, this woman has a high self esteem but it's lately been reducing so bad. She is so confused about her life so that her mom oftenly sad because of her confuses. She'd never been afraid of anything-- but now she is afraid of everything. She goes to work and she used to love her title as a designer but now she is worried about her future. She used to be confident to speak with stranger people, but now she goes very nervous everytime she has to speak with her -cold blooded murderer face- boss. She used to know what she wants, and she used to trying hard to reach her dreams, but now she doesn't even know what her dream is. She used to be not care with what people always say about this and that, but now she couldn't help herself to reconsider every little thing in her life. She now oftenly says, "Am I REALLY READY for that?" because she doesn't precisely knows whether she is really ready for the thing.

...

Oh, I'm sure the naughty and toothless little girl had no idea that in the future, she would be that- not toothless anymore but now in brace- woman.

And I am definitely sure that the woman is soooo surprised to realize that now she is not that little girl anymore!!

Okay then, time to reorganize life and rearrange the future!!

AAaaaa.. can't wait too long to be "the another woman", kikikikikikikiiiiii....

^_^

2007-05-21T08:49:00.001+07:00

A little prayer..

Ya Allah, show me and lead me the way...

Tunjukkan jalanku, bimbinglah langkahku, mantapkan hatiku...

*am I really READY to........................?*

Teman-temaaaan, mohon doanya yaaa... :)

2007-04-20T11:29:00.000+07:00

I'm going deeper underground..

... there's too much panic in this town!!

No, it's not about a monster named Godzilla on the show, but it stands for a city of hell called Jakarta-- the capital city of Indonesia, the most hectic town with lots of shitty things around in every inch of details. You'll be suffered as a bitch or a prostitute living here-- Jakarta is like a guilty pleasure or sex toys with a torture of harassment (ha!). Yes, it might be ironic. Jakarta is a dreamland but could be mean and harmlful in the same time, because..

... there's too much panic in this town!!

For me personally, I hate Jakarta so much, but I should honestly admit that I can't help myself being treated by this town, with pain that blood out my sweat and tears but ended up with pleasure and 'orgasm satisfaction'. I mean, I've been living in Jakarta since working in my current office from August 2005, plus 3 months of internship in mid 2004-- equals about 2 years of bloody days in this cursed city, and this is where I share my sense, my talent, my brain and my body with pain, but then get "paid". Spending 22 years in such a peace heaven town named Bandung, selling my life in Jakarta means a great culture shock that hits my nerves repeatedly like hell. Jakarta has a great culture of hard competition in so many aspects. Lifestyle, money, occupation, or even a little thing in daily life-- everything can be a competition here. This culture has made Jakarta as a panic and hectic city-- plus, you should also notice that Jakarta is the gather center of so many ethnic groups of Indonesia, who occupied their body in this hell for a better luck instead of daydreaming peacefully in their hometown.

...there's too much panic in this town!!

Too much so that I couldn't tell you that much. But for me, yes, Jakarta makes me panic all the time in my whole 24 hours. First, the traffic jam. One of the most irritating thing in Jakarta is the traffic-- it jams all the time especially in peak hours in all the crowded districts. I live in a not-too-crowded and not-too-hectic- district. But I couldn't say more, still, the traffic is my biggest fear. It makes me crazy and panic every morning-- especially when I have to use public transportation with no AC-- the superheat of Jakarta is equal as the fire of hell, and it could increase my panic adrenaline so bad!!

The second is the panic situation in my office. Deadlines, meetings, presentations, rejections and revisions-- nothing more can I say except: I'm panic!!!

Next is about lifestyle, especially after office hours and weekend for me. Once again, I'm living in East Jakarta-- known as a minority district in Jakarta. I have no clue why my office is located in such an isolated area, perhaps it's in case of confidential matters. Most of industries and lifestyle centers placed in South or Central Jakarta-- so the party, big event or even my friend circle gathering is mostly held in South Jakarta. I like South Jakarta so much, even I have to cross Jakarta in hundred miles with traffic jam in several areas-- I never hate it because I could escape my mind from my daily panic routines of my job. But one of the problems that oftenly makes me panic is- the transportation to get me back home. Having an appointment after office hours in South Jakarta-- where most of my friends working and living-- means the time to spend is about 2 hours on the way. OK, 17.30 from office to 19.30 in meeting point, even sometimes is not a big deal to unleash my stress. And waiting for another panicky things like: rubber time friends, window shopping in the mall with all of its trend and price, admiring other Jakarta's flashy and glamour people with their own attractive style (which makes you realize about the HUGE gap between the poor and the rich in Jakarta), dealing for where we are going to have dinner, consider the place and the price, meal ordering, fun gathering and end up with taking pictures, etc-- all need about 3-4 hours. It means I have to anticipate myself to get secured by my friend's ride otherwise I got to take a cab and it's dangerous for my safety and wallet since my house is so far and the cab could be sooooo expensive to reach my house from South Jakarta.

Last but not least is the flood! I'm living about 10 minutes near Kelapa Gading, the riskiest area of flood in Jakarta. My area is thankfully safe from flood last February, but everything is so unpredictable in Jakarta. The problem is because of so many buildings that being built in highland areas and deforestated it badly, especially in Kelapa Gading district. I have to pass Kelapa Gading on my way to my office, and I used to get so afraid and panic everytime its rainy. Flood in Kelapa Gading means you can't go working (the office closed, yay!!), but you can't go anywhere either, including runaway and get some foods to eat.

So, here I am now, the longer I stand here, the deeper I go underground.. there's too much panic in this town!! H.E.L.P!!

2007-03-27T15:22:00.000+07:00

...the story of a daily sh*t.

Here she is, a twenty something woman who used to sits behind the spacious desk with a big flat screen monitor and high spec processor of Mac, black and compact notebook on its left and big blue colored tablet on its right. She always sits on this blue pattern wide chair-- she would rather like to adjust her chair with that 30 degrees position so that she could feels her back comfortable than to make it high like her boss did.

At 7.45, she turns on her UPS, her notebook and Mac just seconds after. She types her password on her notebook, and waits until the Windows asks her to confirm it once again. She goes to the break corner for breakfast-- she likes to eat cereals with plain milk or a cup of hot Milo to succeed her new year resolution for healthy living after spending one full past year of no breakfast. Cheezy chit-chats with office mates is enough to makes her sick before working, so she goes back to her desk to starts her daily shits.

It's 8 o'clock, and work should be started. She HAS to start her work. But she didn't. She used to starts her job by checking emails, friendster, click meebo for IM-ing on her notebook. She loves to buzz her buddies to say hi or have some little chats, and she loves how her buddies keep greeting her every morning just to say 'keep your spirit and have a nice day'.
She clicks the 2 main software icons on her Mac dock, and she tries to find out where did she put her previous work files on her desktop folder. The files appeared, and she starts reviewing her latest revisions. She works with her tablet and tries to be high concentrated to her work. Her eyes blink frequently, more often than normal because of the radiation of the bright big screen. Minutes and hours left. She sighs, and she's hungry. It's still 9.30, and it's not tea break already. The office girl called and ask her what does she want to eat for lunch. She says she wants rice with fried spicy chicken and tofu-- she sometimes go to the mall to have some lunch variations, but not for today, she says. She looks on her notebook screen and sees some windows appear on meebo, calling for her. She answers it all, then says 'I'll be right back'.

She couldn't help her hunger. She goes to break corner to have a cup of tea-- and sees 2 boxes of snacks for tea break. Yeah! This is what she's looking for. She opens the box and finds her favorite snack on it. Yellowish pasta with egg and vegetable on it for today-- better eat it with chilli sauce. Perfect!! Break corner is full of hungry labours now, so she better back to her desk to continue her work.

She holds her tablet again and starts to focus on her revisions. Oh it's suck, she says. Everyone would agree if the previous design is much much better than the new refined ones. Ah, what the heck. She has to make it done to be presented to her boss after lunch break. But she doesn't have any idea for her work revision-- and she needs some inspirations from design sites on the internet. So she browses some interesting design sites by reference, and meebo-ing while waiting the loading site.

12 o'clock, time to have some heavy meals. She eats her order meals and goes to musholla after that. She goes to her desk and back for working, browsing and.. chatting. It is very important to socialize in the middle of exhausting time. We are not a robot, aren't we? Time passes by until she doesn't realize that it's 5 pm already. That is the time when she has to decide: is she going to back home or overtime?

No, thank you. She won't have overtime, she says. She has an appointment to spend quality times with her private life after office hour. That's what she likes most. She loves it, she loves her life, she loves herself, she loves her private life and she wouldn't waste her precious time, ANYMORE.

And there it goes, time passes by and the story repeats from Monday to Friday... with the same daily shits. That's why she loves Saturday and Sunday-- she wouldn't found the same stories as she has always had on the other days..

2007-03-01T17:27:00.000+07:00

Work Hard a Hard Work!

HUH.

Ingin rasanya saya berteriak dan memuncratkan buih-buih liur ketika semua perjuangan itu dimatikan oleh kata 'tidak'.

Ingin rasanya saya menjerit di hadapan muka mereka dan berkata 'tau apa sih lo 'nyet???'

Ingin rasanya saya menyalahi nasib yang memaksa untuk merelakan detik-detik 'hidup' yang berharga dan hanya dibayar dengan gelengan kepala.

Siapa bilang jadi desainer itu gampang??!!

.....

Huaahhh, gila.. bener banget apa kata orang tua saya waktu saya masih ABG, "Semakin tua, masalah yang akan kamu hadapi semakin banyak!". Begitu masa bodohnya saya saat itu, yang ada di pikiran hanya, "Alahhh, gue masih muda ini, ribet amat sih?!"

Dan bener juga apa kata mereka waktu saya masih suka merengek-rengek minta permen dan sering buang-buang makanan, "Cari duit itu susah!". Naif bener saya saat itu, dipikir cari duit itu semudah pengemis nongkrong di pinggir jalan sambil pura-pura sedih, dan duit cepek-an pun datang bertubi-tubi. Tapi semakin dewasa saya semakin menyadari, bahwa cari duit seperak aja perlu usaha- apalagi cari duit untuk bisa hidup dengan layak.

Saya juga gak pernah lupa apa kata ayah saya waktu saya bilang bahwa hidup itu ternyata susah. "Hidup itu sebenarnya tidak sulit, yang sulit itu adalah bagaimana kita menjalani kehidupan dengan bijak dan penuh tanggung jawab.."

Benar juga kalimat klise ini: Hidup adalah sebuah proses. Hidup itu perjuangan.

...

Sekarang-- saya sadar bahwa saya sudah bukan ABG lagi. Kini saya sedang menghadapi fase dimana saya harus bekerja keras untuk bertahan di pekerjaan yang keras ini-- dengan berbagai masalah dan suka duka di dalamnya. Ternyata 'cari duit' itu susah, itulah yang membuat saya menghargai setiap butir nasi yang saya makan, karena itu sebanding dengan butiran keringat yang saya keluarkan untuk mendapatkannya.

Dan tak hanya sekali; saya pun terhenyak dan tertampar dengan pernyataan; bahwa menjalani kehidupan dengan bijak dan penuh tanggung jawab itu luar biasa sulitnya.

Semakin lama saya menjalani proses berkarir, semakin besar perjuangan yang harus saya lakukan. Semakin banyak 'buah' yang saya hasilkan, semakin besar tanggung jawab yang harus saya pegang dengan bijak.

...

Sekali lagi, siapa bilang jadi desainer itu gampang, nyet?!

Here life goes; work hard a hard work.

2007-02-16T10:44:00.002+07:00

I miss the old days!

If only I could turn back time, I would go back especially to these moments:
My gorgeous and awesome high school time (God, it was EXCELLENTLY GREAT indeed!!), fun and hectic internship moment at Lowe Indonesia (had lots of experiences down there!), then my great and terrific college days (got so many 'challenging adventures' to have)..

I miss every second of my past, I mean it, and I really do. Oh, if only I could turn back every single second of my time.. Well, I know it's impossible, but at least photograph and brain could always rewinds a thousand memories of it :)

2007-01-25T10:21:00.000+07:00

New Rising Stars*

So, what do you expect for a film that only have 3 days of shooting and editing with no budget at all? Okay, 3 days; two days for shooting, and one day for editing-- in the middle of other riotous official projects on the desk. As a nonprofessional filmmaker with no capable filmmaking equipment, no budget and no professional acting skill, we even had no idea how this film is going to be.

But then voila! These are a few pics of our film-- bet you guys will be surprised with all the casts!! They will be the new rising stars of the century, and you would down on bended knees hoping for their pics and autograph, ha-ha! XD

[to be continued..]

Don't be fooled by the horrible and awful cast. In reality, all of the actors and actresses are gorgeous and worth to be admired ;p

(PS. Look at the 4th picture- the poor and starving homeless girl who's ready to trash picking; looking for some foods- her act was undoubtedly great. I bet she's going to be a new Julia Roberts in the future. Yes, she is the next Academy Award winner!!)

Hahaha. :P

2007-01-10T11:03:00.001+07:00

don'tjudgethebookbyitscover.

Atas permintaan dari seorang teman, khusus untuk postingan saya berikut ini saya akan pakai Bahasa Indonesia (biar lebih kerasa emosinya- dia bilang).

Suatu hari, salah seorang teman terbaik saya waktu kuliah tiba-tiba saja bilang begini:
“Tau gak sih lo ma, dulu gue pikir lo anaknya jutek.. eh tapi ternyata enggak, hehehee..”
“Maksud lo??”
“Iya, dulu waktu gue pertama kali liat lo, kesan pertama gue ngeliat lo tuh gue pikir lo orangnya jutek, sombong, dan suka pilih-pilih temen.. Kesannya lo tuh kayak cewek2 yang cuman mau temenan sama orang2 dari kalangan tertentu doang.. Ya gak tau ya.. kayaknya dari penampilan dan gaya pakaian lo aja gitu.. dan emang waktu jaman itu kan lo maennya ma gank nya des*y, in*, an*n, f*ra... mereka kan cewek-cewek gaya.. trus gue pikir lo anak Jakarta yang hedon sampe akhirnya gue kenal lo dan akhirnya tau deh kalo ternyata lo anak Bandung yang rajin sholat di arsitek..”

Saya saat itu bener-bener gak abis pikir kenapa teman saya ini bilang saya suka pilih-pilih teman lewat cara berpakaian dan pertemanan saya. Dan dia dulu mengira saya anak Jakarta yang hedon (????). Maksudnyahh??
“bla..bla..bla.. tapi ternyata pas udah kenal lo ternyata lo orangnya ramah, seru, trus gak pilih-pilih temen, bla bla bla…”

Yea rite.

Ada lagi sebuah percakapan ketika saya sedang dibonceng pulang kantor oleh seorang teman- yang mana saat itu kami sama-sama budek karena pake helm plus suara jalanan dan bunyi motor yang berisik sehingga sesekali terjadi miscommunication--
“ ... iya gitu, kalo saya liat sih kayaknya kamu emang masih belum dewasa…”
“Maksudnya?”
“Iya, dari cara berpakaian kamu.. keliatan aja masih belum dewasa..”
Lagi-lagi penilaian melalui cara berpakaian saya. “Emang cara berpakaian saya kenapa? Kok bisa dibilang keliatan masih belum dewasa??”
“Ya kamu kan sehari-hari ke kantor cuman pake kaos sama jeans doang.. Ya kamu coba deh sekali-sekali ke kantor pake baju rapi.. kemeja, blazer, rok gitu.. pasti keliatan lebih dewasa..”

OK. Kantor saya di pinggiran kampung yang panasnya amit-amit, debunya gak karuan dan setiap hari harus pake seragam kantor berupa kemeja putih yang sama sekali tidak nyaman dan membosankan. Kalo kantor saya di Sudirman tentunya gaya berpakaian saya gak bakal gembel kayak begini.
“Ooohh, jadi yang dari tadi kamu tangkep itu dewasa secara fisik ya.. dari tadi tuh saya ngomong soal kedewasaan pikiran dan mental!!”
“Iya, saya ngerti.. itu juga maksud saya.. gaya berpakaian kamu tuh bikin kesannya kamu masih main-main dan belum bisa serius dan dewasa.. “
“Lho, tapi kan yang namanya kedewasaan itu datengnya dari dalem.. dari pola pikir, dari tindakan, dari cara dia memecahkan masalah, dari…”
“Ya kalo udah ngobrol sih keliatan kalo kamu itu dewasa banget dan kadang bisa lebih dewasa dari saya…”

Tuh.

Pepatah yang bilang jangan menilai buku dari sampulnya atau jangan menilai orang dari penampilan luarnya- dan kedua kasus saya ini (dan beberapa kasus serupa lain yang terjadi pada saya) membuat saya semakin menyadari bahwa bagaimanapun manusia tidak bisa lepas dari penilaian luar.
Walaupun terus terang secara pribadi saya sendiri merasa jengkel dengan penilaian orang-orang tersebut terhadap saya itu, saya juga gak mau munafik sih, saya juga melakukan hal yang sama terhadap orang lain dan kadang akhirnya saya tersadar bahwa kepribadian orang tersebut tidak seperti persepsi saya terhadap penampilan atau pada kesan pertama ketika saya melihat dia.
Saya pernah punya teman yang penampilannya terlihat rapi, sopan dan baik ternyata brengsek dan kurang ajar. Malah sebaliknya, ada yang terlihat brengsek dan kurang ajar ternyata baik dan sopan- rajin sholat dan pinter ngaji pula. Wehehe.

Nah, yang terakhir ini adalah kejadian persiissss satu hari yang lalu-- waktu saya sedang beli nasi goreng untuk buka puasa di kaki lima seberang jalan komplek kosan saya. Karena sudah lapar luar biasa, akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk makan nasi goreng di kaki lima itu sehingga sesampainya di kosan saya tinggal sholat, mandi dan berleha-leha. Nah, karena saya makan sendirian dan suasana saat itu sepi, akhirnya saya ajak si mbak-mbak penjual nasi goreng itu ngobrol. Setelah cukup lama ngobrol akhirnya si mbak-mbak ini bertanya:
" ... lha mbak ini pulang kuliah toh?" Dari logatnya bisa dipastikan si mbak ini orang Jawa.
"Nggak, pulang kerja.."
"Oh, kuliahne' sambil kerdja ghitu?"
"Enggak, udah lulus.. sekarang udah kerja.."
"Lho emang mbak umurnya berapa?"
"Tebak!!"
"20 ya? ya 20-21 dhe.."
"Emang keliatannya umur segitu ya? hihihihiiii.. saya 24 mbak, Oktober tahun ini 25 deh..." Tentunya saya udah cengar-cengir kegeeran aja.. aduh ternyata saya awet muda yakkk, hehehe.. Tapi menyebut kalimat terakhir, tiba-tiba saya jadi sedih. Huhu, udah mau 25 aja..
"HAAAHHHH????" Si mbak-mbak njowo ini tampak sangat shock dan kaget.. Wah kalian benar-benar harus lihat langsung deh tampang si mbak ini waktu tahu umur saya 24.. Bener-bener kaget! Saya sih cuman bisa nyengir seneng aja dibilang masih seperti anak kuliah berumur 20-21, hihihi...
"Lahiran 82 tho mbak? Lha aku adja lahiran 84 kok.."
"Haaahhhhh??" Nah, giliran saya yang kaget, padahal awalnya saya sangka si mbak ini kelahiran tahun '79.

Ngobrol ngalor-ngidul sana-sini lagi, si mbak kemudian nanya saya lagi,
"Aslinya orang mana tho mbak?"
"Tebak!!"
"Mmmh, Batak bukan.. Padang bukan.. apa ya.. dari ngomongnya sih kayaknya Maluku.."
"Hahhhh???? Maluku???? Kok Maluku sihhh???????" Sialan, baru kali ini seumur hidup saya ada orang yang bilang saya orang Maluku!!
"Ya dhari ngomongnya sih, soalnya waktu itu pernah adha orang Maluku yang makan dhisini, ngomongnya sama kayak mbak, cepet ghitu.. tapi dari mukanya sih... Jawa ya?"
Phhffieww.. udah kaget aja saya dibilang orang Maluku.. ternyata si mbak ini polos dan naif sekali, mengeneralisir orang yang ngomongnya cepat sebagai orang Maluku. Tapi dia bilang muka saya Jawa. Agak meleset sedikit sih, padahal saya ada Sundanya. Tapi saya sendiri mengakui kok kalau gen ayah saya lebih kuat, jadi saya lebih terasa Jawa daripada Sundanya.

Lalu si mbak ini nanya saya lagi, "Mbak anak ke berapa tho?"
"Tebak!!!"
"Lha kok saya dhisuruh nebak terosh, ya ndak tau.."
"Ya justru itu, saya pengen tau kalo orang baru kenal saya pertama kali, orang bakal nebak saya anak ke berapa.. kalo udah kenal saya kan orang udah tau saya anak ke berapa.."
"Ooo.. yang jhelas sih kalo anak pertama ya ndhak mungkin ya.."
"Kenapa gak mungkin?"
"Ya ndhak mungkin! Kalo anak pertama tuh pasti bhiasanya mukanya serius, orangnya ndewasaa, ghitu.. Lha kalo mbak kan sepertinya orangnya ceria, main-main, dan mandja ghitu.. pasti kalo saya bilang sih mbak anak ke dhuwa, atau bwontot lha.."
"Ooo.. gitu.." Saya pun terdiam beberapa saat, menunggu apakah dia akan menambahkan 'analisa'nya, sampai akhirnya saya bilang, " Tapi saya anak pertama lho, mbak..."
"HAAAAHHHHH??????" Lagi-lagi si mbak-mbak ini shock sampai matanya mau keluar, persisss seperti waktu dia kaget begitu tahu umur asli saya...

Laa-la-la-la-laaa.

Penampilan bisa menipu… Hal itulah yang akhirnya membuat saya berpikir bahwa idealnya sih, akan lebih baik jika kita menilai seseorang setelah kita benar-benar mengenal orang tersebut.

Jadi, kenali saya dulu, baru boleh menilai saya :)

2006-12-18T15:05:00.000+07:00

New Year, New Me.

Tic.. toc.. tic.. toc..
God, I can’t help my self of those boring jobs on my desk anymore! But I’m going to have a Christmas and New Year holiday starts from 23 December 2006 to 2 January 2007, and I’m gonna spend my days in LONDON!!!!! YEAHHH!!!

Sure it was a lie. Okay, just another dreams of mine. Ha-ha.
London is the place where I always really want to go to, and I’m promise my self that I’ll be there, stepping my foot above the land. Sooner, or later. *crossing fingers*

Anyway, 2007 is about to come, and I honestly have some personal targets to be achieved. Have been thinking about it after had a quite serious self-evaluation of my personal 2006 resolutions-- then I realized that some of my next year targets are more perfectly called as a LIFE REVOLUTION rather than a resolution.
I personally consider it as a big life challenge and it may take some risks, and I honestly have a great hesitation, “AM I REALLY GOING TO DO THAT???”

However, some people say that life is about taking a risk. Humm.. just wait until the end of 2007 and let see whether I really have done the big life revolution or even not at all, haha. Bismillah, lillahi ta’ala.

Okay then, just wanna say have a nice holiday for you guys (What? Your company doesn’t allow its staff to have a long New Year holiday?? Poor you, lalalala, hahaha..)
And it’s time for me to take a flight to London; my plane is about to take off this evening (in my dream). Happy New Year everyone!!!! :)

2006-11-23T13:41:00.000+07:00

it is NOT easy!

It was not only just once- but believe me- hundred million times— since I was in college people used to ask me this:

“ What have you learned in this college so far? Bet you don’t have to study too hard like us- you’re only do drawing, right? Gee, studying in art and design faculty must be so fun!”

Only do drawing you say?!
They didn’t know that there were mmmmilllion assignments to be done and spent lots of time only for making those artworks to be APPRECIATABLE. And it was not just a drawing, bottom line. Where did you put the word of CONCEPT?
Fun, YES indeed. True, we didn't do math, calculus, physics or chemistry like those in science and technology faculties, but please recall yourself for not underestimate of what an art and design faculty student has done for 4 years or more in college.

“What is your job desc on your work? Oh, graphic designing. Ha?? Was it that hard so that you frequently should have overtime- working 18 hours a day or more from 8 to 3 in the morning? Designing is a fun thing to do, isn't it? Since it was fun, I think it must be easy to do, right?”

Did I mishear or something? No, I think since it was a hundred million times question directly to me- I believe that my ears work correctly. Working in design is not that easy- let me repeat it please- it-is-NOT-easy!!
Designing is like a long long road to pass through, and you never know when and how great idea comes up on your brain to create a great design. And on this professional world, you got to think how to create a great design that could be ACCEPTED by those –bad sense of art- CLIENTS (sorry Misters, but you are), assure and recommend them the best design (which is really hard because of their conventional way of thinking- sometimes), and the most important thing is- to be accepted and APPRECIATED by public a.k.a consumers.

And we got to have overtime, over and over again, doing meetings, revision, preparing presentation and stuffs, meeting again, revision again until we get sick of our own design.. then we realize that we have no time for our private life, even only for sleeping! HHhhhh….

Okay, gotta stop sighing. Got to remember this verse. "Then which of the favours of your Lord, will ye deny?" [ArRahman 55]

By the way, taking a nap at cubical is like a peaceful sleep in paradise after weeks full of overtimes. Sometimes I steal my office hour only for taking a nap for a while in my own cubical—(sure if there is no boss around!), but well, believe me, those 3 ugly guys are even more dangerous than my boss!! If they were around, my ‘paradise’ turns to be like hell. Aaaarrgghhh!!!

So girls, if you ask me whether is there single cute and lovely guys in my office or not, I’d rather say NO *sorry guys, hahahaha!!*

Can’t wait for x'mas and new year holidaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!!

2006-11-10T15:47:00.000+07:00

It's complicated.

Life is simple, but not that simple. Love is wonderful, yet sometimes painful. To live a life with love is a liberty, but to live a love in life is not always be an eternity. The point is, love and life depends on fate and destiny with a bit of luck and… sacrifice.

Anyway, well, this must be a little sensitive though (let me repeat: SENSITIVE, so, I apologize), but here I would share some stories about this never ending sensitive case of love and life.

She’s a Muslim, and he’s a Christian. They’ve been together for a very long time and will get married soon. She will always be a Muslim, and he will always be a Christian. End of story, yet still complicated.
She’s a Muslim, and he’s a Christian. They’ve been together even much longer than the first couple. She will always be a Muslim, and he will always be a Christian. The story still goes and not yet ended. Clashes and contradictions between both of their family still disturb their future.

NO, I don’t and never ever mean to be rude- it is none of my business. Yes, it is NONE of my business. But…

Been there. Almost done that. It’s complicated.

The freedom of faith is absolutely a self authorization, yet still be- sometimes and even mostly- a family ‘prerogative thing’ of principle life beliefs. Yet, it IS also an absolute principle thing for each person to be committed directly to God though. Hummm…

End of story. It's complicated..

2006-10-14T12:00:00.000+07:00

Self Dialogue

Dear ME,

Do you remember, Mother used to say that 24 years ago, she was struggling against death and the pain for giving you a chance to see the world? Yes, I remember. She said that it was the greatest experience she has ever had, having me as her first child.

Do you remember, your parents used to say that you were the most beloved person in family? Yes, they told me about it million times. It’s all because I’m the eldest great-great-grandchild, the eldest great-grandchild, the eldest grandchild, and the eldest children on my family.

Do you remember, when you were 13 you started to fall in love- you had some puppy love but you were so scared because your father would be really angry if you have a boyfriend at that time? Yes, oh... those sweet little boys. They were just only could call me by phone pretending to ask the homework.

Do you remember, at 15 you were really-really fall in love for the first time and got your heartbroken for the first time either? Yes, we had spent our time together for a while but we were too naive to understand what a relationship is all about.

Do you remember, your parents were so angry with you because you got lots of bad marks on your high school? Yes, my high school moment was so gorgeous. But I was too busy with my teenage world so I had missed the lessons a lot.

Do you remember, your parents were so happy for you when you were accepted at ITB and so proud of you when you were graduated with a good predicate? Yes, the tears of happiness fell down and prayers recited from their heart, wishing me a bright future.

Do you remember, last year you were full of confusions about your love, life and carrier; and your parents patiently gave you lots of advice and wisdoms? Yes, and now I’m not in doubt anymore. Their support is always reminds me to be thankful for all the blessing gift of Allah and to be optimist to see the future.

And here you are, dear me. 24 years is like a long road you had been passed through. Yes I am, dear me. And what I have to do is to thank Allah for everything. My apology for sighing and complaining too much, yes I do believe that The Almighty knows what the best for me is. And He has given me all the best for me on the best way and the best moment too.

Happy 24 years, dear me. Now let’s look forward and pass through the rest of your road until The One calls you to heaven. Thank you, dear me. May Allah’s bless be with me always…

2006-09-26T07:32:00.000+07:00

Women are from Venus, Men are from... sh*t.

One day, at a warm and lovely living room in a sweet little house in Bandung.

There was a girl, lying lazily on her favorite sofa— a broken yellow colored comfortable long chair with two little pillows on it- watching television while chewing her favorite spicy snack and pretended to forget her diet.
Next on her left, there was her mother, wearing her blue flower pattern house dress, sitting on the same sofa with her second daughter who had just back from her college class.
Their eyes were watching to the same thing; a gossip show on the TV reporting some celebrities and a famous government official who had just divorced after been living peacefully with their wife for more than 20 years. The hottest news was about the Secretary of State- a fifty something old man who had divorced his 23 years marriage wife because he had his second marriage with a 19 year old girl, which is much younger than his son.

“Oh, shame on him! Yusril Ihza Mahendra used to be my idol, remember? I chose him on the last election; I thought he was so charismatic and responsible in every aspects! Oh my God, after 23 years of marriage he meant to divorce her wife just because of THAT 19 year old girl??” Still on her seat, her mother was in a great shock- she couldn’t believe what she had heard.

“WHAT? Is that true, Mom? Oh my God, I thought it was about his eldest son wedding! I thought his eldest son who had just married! I don’t get it!” The girl was so surprised and regretted- she had missed the news climax because she was too concentrated to the spicy snack on her hand.

“Ohhh... he begins to be so disgusting to me! Look at his new wife! She’s even younger than his eldest son! She is younger than me, Mother! Just imagine, that man is as old as Dad—and he marry a girl younger than me? Give me a break!” Her sister yelled emotionally commenting the news.

The screen showed some captions about the Secretary of State wedding, his broken hearted wife and the narrator seemed to provoke the audience to criticize it emotionally. The screen changed to the host- a pretty woman with mysterious face and frightening eyes- reporting some other celebrities who also have the same case with that old man.

“…and who doesn’t know about Ray Sahetapi? He also had successfully fill the entertainment news some moments a go, surprising and disappointing his fans by divorcing his 26 years of marriage wife, Dewi Yull and marry this woman (Ray Sahetapi’s new wife picture showed). And NOW, the most shocking news comes from this charismatic entertainer we’ve ever had; the very well known quiz presenter Koes Hendratmo. Who has ever thought that he would divorce his wife after 41 years of beautiful marriage? Rumors said that he is now in a relationship with a stewardess (Koes Hendratmo interviewed, some video captions showed on the screen)...........”

“What a world. Everyone turns to be insane! 41 years of marriage! Oh God. And hey, he IS NOT young anymore! He had forgotten his 41 years lovely moment just for a short time. I don’t get it. What else is he looking for? He supposed to realize that his life won’t be long anymore since he is more than 60 right now!” Once again, her mother was terribly shocked and tried to believe what she had heard about this ladies and housewives idol.

The girl was so speechless. She began to hate men. “Do I have to be a lesbian?” She thought. No. Of course not, she was just joking. A cynical joke. A pathetic thought. But the show had made her think that men are made from shit. Men have no heart- they are mean, and the most terrible thing inside her head was, never ever trust men.

Now, what she really need is something-- or A REAL MAN that could prove her thought about men was wrong…

2006-09-04T08:38:00.000+07:00

I’m a toothless grandma!!

I have messy teeth. My upper jaw is a little bit too far from my lower jaw, and my front lower jaw teeth are a bit messy. Last week I went to the dentist and installed braces (a wire device fitted in the mouth to straighten the teeth) to tidy it up. Honestly, my private dentist had been asking me thousand times since I was in elementary, but everything is about money though. Installing braces is quiet expensive, so after one year of saving money (ha-ha) I decided to make it.

Anyhow, when my dentist asked me to choose what rubber color I want to wear on my braces, I chose the black one. He actually showed me some rubber colors, there were pink, blue, yellow, green, and so on—but I did chose black because I was thinking that other colors are too fancy and coquettish, while black is going to look cool—my thought that day.

Then voila. Please do not laugh at me because I do actually shock on my own looking my face like a toothless granny, ha ha ha!! Till now, I regreted to have chosen the black one— Rule number one; black supposed to be cool, but not every black is cool. It doesn't look that cool on braces!! A friend of mine who used to wear braces told me not to wear red, green and yellow because it's gonna look like a slipped food. Promise you that I’ll wear the pink one next month.

PS. Installing braces on your teeth means you couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and couldn’t speak with good articulation for weeks. Aaarrgghh.. it hurts!!

2006-08-30T09:27:00.000+07:00

And the award goes to…

Standing on Citra Pariwara stage as the award winner and holding the trophy is one of my dreams. Last month, I was trying to make it come true by participating Daun Muda Award, one of Citra Pariwara category particularly for fresh art director and copywriter.

A friend of mine recommended me to Lala, a copywriter of an advertising agency called Chuo Senko Indonesia— thanks to Yahoo Messenger, minutes later we became partner and arranged an appointment of meeting for brainstorming. Firstly met for a basic brief and a –tying to craft great ideas but failed— I found that Lala was as excited as me to win this award, and after lots of conversation we had, I believe that we are going to be a good team- I suppose.

2 weeks to deadline. It seemed long enough to prepare the concept and ideas—but damn, life is simple— but not that simple. Lala was sooo busy, and so was I. So, we just only can use telephone, email and Y!M to share ideas and discuss. She was preparing a pitch and presentation for these whole 2 weeks, and I was busy for my product launching.

We were deadly panic because we haven’t got any great ideas [that we believe could make the juries say FU*K!!] until about 3 days before deadline. Still, Lala was goddamn seriously busy so that she stayed overnight at her office for 2 days *OMG!!*. But, believe me, great ideas sometimes popping up on the brain at the last minutes. After whole midnights of brainstorming on the phone [Lala called me from her office from 10pm to 2am almost for 3 nights] and one day of fail photo session, we finally got the answer precisely on the last hours before deadline. We both like the ideas, even her Creative Director said that with this concept, we got a big chance to win *Amen*.

Due to our big ambition to win, surely we both couldn’t sleep peacefully before the announcement day. 10 couple finalists will be announced, and they will attending the workshop for 2 days to “fight” and the best of them will surely be the winner of Daun Muda Award, standing on Citra Pariwara stage, proudly holding high the trophy and fly to Pattaya.

Then, yesterday was the announcement day. No. Between the 10 couples of art director and copywriter name, there is no Ilma and Lala name on it. Dissapointed. What we saw on it was the name of some college friends of mine. Devastated. The award doesn’t go to me……

2006-08-22T08:58:00.000+07:00

To all the guys I've loved before…

For those who had cared for me, for those whom I've shared my life with, for those who had helped me to grow:

Too bad, we weren’t meant to be…

Hey, YOU! The guy who’s reading this post right now! What made you think this post is for you?!

Nevertheless, nothing else but thanks…

:)

[Hey, how’s life?]

2006-08-08T08:00:00.000+07:00

Today, a year ago...

8 August 2005

06.00 AM.
This is my first day. I can’t describe how I really feel right now. Do I feel excited? Hum, well I guess I’m pretty much curious than being excited. So, how it is going to be? Remember Ilma, this is Honda, not an advertising agency. It’s in Tipar Cakung, not Sudirman. You are going to do automotive design stuffs, not print ad or TV commercial things. What do you expect?
Okay, let’s see. It might not be as bad as what you were thinking. No worries, The One will always lead the way.

Hhhmm.. I think I’m gonna wear this white formal cloth and match it with this black pants. Oh, this black leather bag would be good to be matched with this dark brown shoe. I couldn’t believe what I see right now on the mirror. What a dress- can’t believe that I’m about to be a real carrier woman. Gee—it’s not me, ha-ha. Enough, this is my first day. I ought to be well prepared.

07.00 AM.
What a ggreaatttt morning to start the day. Urrggghhh… I hate Jakarta already!!! May I see Jakarta without traffic jam just for once???!!! I couldn’t understand, how could Honda Southeast Asia be located in such ‘unbelievable’ place? Oh C’mon, do not grumble too much, Ilma. This is your first time, later you won’t be shocked anymore. Okay, that’s enough. Let start your first day with nice smile and good attitude :)

08.00 AM.
So, this is it. The one that really prestigious for Product Designer (and Graphic Designer also? Ah, I don’t care). Hhumm, not bad. I enter this huge full white colored building with five red big letters on it. God, I don’t even dare to compare the interior design with the advertising agency where I did my internship at. If I do, imagine how many insulting words will come from my mouth! *Oops*. I mean it’s soooo formal and boring. Oh I forgot.. This is Honda, not advertising agency. My apology for being so senile.

Okay, so today is about introduction matters like staff members, regulations and of course my job description. Maaaannn… it’s all about automotive design stuffs. Oh I couldn’t imagine how long I would stay for being occupied here— working as a designer for that automotive thing and working with those ugly monkeys (Dito, Fareza, Rantaw, the three brothers from Product Design who used to be friends of mine since I was in college and firstly working on the same day with me) are gonna seriously make my self crazy. Aaarrgghh…

17.00 PM.
What an awkward day. It passed really slow. I think I got to have a really really hard adaptation here. Ah, never mind. I wouldn’t be working here for more than 3 months—I even think that I’m going to resign on my first month. Well, I think maybe I’m going to work as an art director of an advertising agency, or a graphic designer of a branding consultant, or take a Master Degree abroad or maybe getting married and rise up my kids as a housewife. Otherwise, maybe I would stay here because it is much better than what I have expected.

Well, let’s see. Let time answers everything. Let Him show me the way.

8 August 2006

06.00 AM.
This is my first year. I can’t describe how I really feel right now. Do I feel excited? Hum, well I guess I’m pretty much surprised than being excited. So, how it was? Remember Ilma, this is Honda, not an advertising agency. It’s in Tipar Cakung, not Sudirman. You are doing automotive design stuffs, not print ad or TV commercial things. What did you expect?
Okay, you see. It is not as bad as what you were thinking. No worries, The One has leaded you the way.

Hhhmm.. I think I’m gonna wear my favorite white T-shirt and match it with this dark blue jean. Oh, this white red colored bag would be good to be matched with my favorite white Converse shoe. I couldn’t believe what I see right now on the mirror. What a dress- can’t believe that I’m a real carrier woman. Well—it’s me, ha-ha. Enough, this is not my first day. I habitually am so prepared.

07.00 AM.
What a ggreaatttt morning to start the day. Ohhhhh… I love Jakarta already!!! I’ve never seen Jakarta without traffic jam just for once, but that’s fine. But I still couldn’t understand, how could Honda Southeast Asia be located in such ‘unbelievable’ place? Oh C’mon, do not grumble too much, Ilma. This is not your first time, so you aren’t shocked anymore. Okay, that’s enough. Let start your first year with nice smile and good attitude :)

08.00 AM.
So, this is it. The one that really prestigious for Product Designer (and Graphic Designer also? Ah, I don’t care). Hhumm, not bad. I enter this huge full white colored building with five red big letters on it. God, I don’t even dare to compare the interior design with the advertising agency where I did my internship at. If I do, imagine how many insulting words will come from my mouth! *Oops*. I mean it’s soooo formal and boring. But I don’t forget.. This is Honda, not advertising agency. No apology for being so senile.

Okay, so today is about project matters like meetings, discussing and of course designing. Maaaannn… it’s all about automotive design stuffs. Oh I couldn’t imagine this long I could stay for being occupied here— working as a designer for that automotive thing and working with those ugly monkeys (Dito, Fareza, Rantaw, Godman, the four brothers from Product Design who used to be friends of mine since I was in college and firstly working on the same day with me except Godman, he started 3 months after) are getting more seriously make my self crazy. Aaarrgghh…

17.00 PM.
What an ordinary day. It passed really fast. I think I’ve had a really really hard adaptation here. Ah, never mind. I wouldn’t be working here for more than 3 years—I even previously used to think that I’m going to resign on my first month. Well, I thought maybe I’m going to work as an art director of an advertising agency, or a graphic designer of a branding consultant, or take a Master Degree abroad or maybe getting married and rise up my kids as a housewife. Otherwise, maybe I would stay here because it is much better than what I have expected.

Well, let’s see. Let time answers everything. Let Him show me the way.

*So far.. yeaahh... it's even much better than what I've been thinking!! ^_^*

2006-07-25T16:04:00.000+07:00

If only…, I would…

These are a few of my imaginations [all came from a daydreaming on this damn boring working hours *yawning*]:

1. If only I was a color, I would be white.

I love white. It looks clean, elegant, simple, casual, and can be mixed and matched easily. My Psychology lecturer said that the reason why someone loved her/his favorite color meant what people thought about her/him. :)

2. If only I was a shoe, I would be a white colored Converse All Star.

Oh this is my favorite shoe everrr! I really love Converse especially the white All Star ones. God, I do admire Chuck Taylor a lot, bet he was really genius! It’s sooo comfortable, easily mix and match with cloths, casual and trendy, and it’s being the coolest shoe I’ve ever seen on earth [so exaggerating, ha-ha]. Well, I think this shoe reflects who I really am. Yeah, it’s so me. ; P

3. If only I were a pair of clothes, I would be a white fit slim T-shirt and a dark bell bottom blue jean.

As I told you before-I love white- so it happens on T-shirt too. I love wearing T-shirt, especially when it fits comfortable on me- and it used to be a fit slim one. Then, I think blue jean is the best thing to be paired with. I have a –not so slim- hip, so a dark bell bottom jean can help my appearance so I can look slimmer and taller.
Great! I really like this style, especially if I match it with my white Converse All Star. Awesome. Casual, simple, but sexy.

4. If only I was a music genre, I would be rock-alternative.
Well, I actually prefer jazz or soul as my music genre, but then I reconsider it and made up my mind. Rock-alternative bands like Weezer, Foo Fighters, Third Eye Blind, Silverchair and so on are the right bands that could exactly reflect my character and personality. Yet, sometimes I could be easy listening too. ;p

5. If only I was a motorbike, I would be Honda Zoomer.

Hohoho… No, it wasn’t because I’m working at Honda so I chose this Zoomer. C’mon, look at this bike; it’s soooo COOL, isn’t it? Well, despite of its low CC (50 cc only!!!—I don’t care), this bike’s character concept definitely reflects my personality, so I think it would really fit good on a boyish girl like me. Ha!

If only.. If only… If only…I would… I would… I would…

There are still hundreds of ‘If only and I would’ on my mind.. But my boss is currently standing and looking at me right on my back so.. BACK TO WORK!!!! *Hi Boss, nice tie-- you look great today.. Hehe.. Oh, I've just downloaded some pics for new ideas and inspirations for our next project, heheheheee…*

Pfhieww... Hey, what about you anyway???

2006-07-06T13:55:00.000+07:00

Please. It wasn’t me!!!

Just a few days ago on my lunch break time, just checked—wondering whether it’s being recorded or not---I leisurely opened that fastest search machine called google and typed my one and only blog name—ilmaffectional then hit the search button.

As fast as the local area connection speed, the result of my search appeared on my monitor and I can easily found some posts related to my blog. There were about 5 pages of result— be pleased if you guys want to try — mostly were about my own post or the comment I’ve dropped to others that had already linked to mine.
There was nothing special in particular actually, until I found something weird on the last page:

Nothing more I can do except being shocked—I was like, “ Hellooo… ilmaffectional? It was like one in a million name —going to give you thousands bucks if you could find a similar name all over the world!” So what this name stands for??? A porn site using my name??? Or my photograph??? Gimme a break!

WTF.

Surely I was in a great shock and curiosity upon this. I clicked the address site and found that it was a real porn site which is being blocked— have no idea with it--- but there was my blog name—once again, ilmaffectional—in the middle of that rude porn topics shouted on the site.

I was absolutely had no idea at all—I was just being so upset, and I once again checked if it was appeared on Yahoo! too.

And voila. Once again, ilmaffectional appears on some (yes, it was more than one) 'weird' sites.

FU*KKKKKKKK!! God, help me.

I remembered that I uploaded some of my pics for a post titled ilmamorphosis*)---- I do really afraid that there was an irresponsible person who has took advantage of it—used it, manipulated it with someone’s undressed body and propagated it on internet. DAMN.

I’ve been helped by a friend of mine for tracing this—he actually hasn’t found anything related to me on the porn sites. BUT, if you guys accidentally found porn sites using ilmaffectional or my face----- BELIEVE ME, IT WASN’T ME.

Thank you very much.

2006-06-26T14:43:00.000+07:00

My "pregnancy"

Once again, another reason why I gotta think hundred million times before deciding to move out from this f***ing HONDA...

I am "falling in love".

And I am happily "pregnant".

DAMN.

NO. What I meant was...

Alhamdulillaahi rabbil 'alamiiiiinnnn!!!! ^_^

2006-06-12T08:16:00.000+07:00

Wedding Party

Lately, weekend means wedding invitation for me. And lately, wedding has been the most spoken word on my daily conversation around-—or I may say that I guess it become the hottest issue for twenty something people regarding to that bla bla blahs quarter life crisis theory—- and even as the most annoying common irritating question theme by those who had been into marriage a.k.a parents and even coupled neighbors *d*mn you, yes I’m single-- so what?!?!*
Urgh, I just don’t get why this “So darling, when will you get married?” was become the most favorite line for mocking us—as if they pretend not to know that it being the most irritating question for us—single twenty something person who’s still learn to see the world! Oh yes, that question was such a biggest fear for us to be asked! WTF!
One thing I’ve learned from my pal was; if you are being asked with that question, just simply answer… MAY. MAY be soon, MAY be later. Hahaha!

Speaking about the wedding, I met some of my high school mates last Wednesday. With a cup of coffee and cigars in an uproar France atmosphere wanna be café afterhours, a friend of mine who’s been engaged since she was in college told us about her wedding plan. Asking her when she would get married, she answered, “Well, I won’t tell you when I’m married. You’ll know soon after I get married. I mean— I wouldn’t have a wedding party. I just want to have a simple marriage ceremony; no wedding party in particular. I would only invite my closest colleagues and wouldn’t tell anybody—guess that wedding party is not that important for me—“
Some of my other friends have their own unique wedding party dream. Wedding party in a lovely strawberry garden, in a football field, in Mecca, or even bungee jumping wedding *maann, it’s too much, hahaha!*.

Well, about me, humm… Wedding spot? Oh, it could be arranged later. Wedding day? Oh, okay… it will be confirmed later, just hold on. Wedding dress? Oh, my talented fashion designer friend would design it especially for me. Wedding invitation card… Oh, well… helloo… I’m a graphic designer—sure I’ll do design it by myself. Wedding decoration… Oh dear you guys from interior design, product design and fine art… I believe in your perfect talent!(yuhuuuu…hahaha). Wedding singer? Oh, yes… my high school pal celebrity Mario Kahitna would handle it (for your information, I’ve asked him already! Hahahaha…). Huummm, what else? Did I forget something? I beg your pardon? What?? Oops… I missed… the BRIDEGROOM!!!!! I haven’t prepared my bridegroom yet!

Hahaha.

So... what about you?

2006-05-29T19:12:00.000+07:00

Nothing but a particle of dust..

Saturday, May 26, 2006; 10 minutes to the day after...

My fingers moving so fast and beating these alphabetical pads on a thin board; directed by my clueless direction from my brain.

My eyes keenly see every single thing emerged by those fingers’ beat on the clear bright flat screen that conceitedly stands in this 3x4 unpretentious space.

My ears conscientiously listen to the whisper of the solitude night murmuring its loneliness voice despite the tumultuous horn of the traffic, the flattery jolly sound of the radio, or the starvation agony of those annoying dogs hoping for their master’s compassion.

And my mouth is freezing; my word couldn’t be spoken with my unthinkable thought inside.

I a m S h a m e f u l l y M e a n i n g l e s s .

I’m nothing but an indistinct mini particle dust between this huge enormous exalted will of Allah. Everything in this motherland—and all in this world happen by The Almighty’s will.Everything comes from Him, and it turns back to Him after all. We are just a human with limited capability.

Earthquake? Death? Disaster? Pain? Everything is just a piece of cake for Him to create.

A l l a h u A k b a r .

(Deepest condolence to all Yogyakarta earthquake victims..in truth, Allah will always be by your side)

2006-05-08T14:30:00.000+07:00

Counting down...until the upcoming day.

Tic.. toc.. tic.. toc

I’m counting down, goes by every seconds, minutes and hours... Flows like a water and even blows like a wind on every seasons. And the clock is still tictoc–ing; mocking me with the tic toc sound that makes me sick. Sick. Sick. Full of pain. But I don’t care. Still, I’m counting down.

I’m counting down, as if I count every beat of my heart, every pulse of my artery, every breath I take, every word I say, every step I walk, every move I make, every wink I blink.

I’m counting down, as if I knew my dead end day. I’m counting down, as if I knew my starting count to the ending number. I’m counting down, and still counting down… again, over and over again, with patience… and hope.

I’m counting down; yet still don’t know where I stand now. Where am I? On number 1839? 98? 35? Or even 5? I don’t even know from what number do I have to count, is it 1000? 99999? Or maybe 10. Still, the ending will always be zero.

I’m counting down, without stopwatch. I’m counting down, without knowing what would I be. Just counting down, once again, with patience… and hope.

Tic.. toc.. tic.. toc

Now, precisely now-- in the month of 5, million seconds away. As you could clearly see, I’m still counting down. The time will come immediately, that’s what he said. Soon. Tomorrow, or maybe today. 10 hours left, maybe? We both don’t know. But still-- I’m still counting down..

(For my soulmate somewhere out there.. I’m here, and still counting down.. with patience… and hope..)

2006-04-17T09:31:00.000+07:00

Shouts and Hellos to PLAYBOY

PLAYBOY. What the hell is on your mind if you heard that word? Let me guess, in the middle of the hot riotous situation overwhelm media headlines yelling loudly from every corner around you-- newspaper, radio, TV news, infotainment, talk show and even as a pick up line to start a conversation to a girl who sit next to you on the bus—the first thing on your mind would be a hot and sweat-able magazine that offers you *especially you guys who have testosterones and still normally adore sexy chick instead of French kissing Brad Pitt* undressed hot sexy babe posed sensually with her protruding lips to make her lips looked fuller and sharp seeing eyes full of lust watching you straight ahead as if she was trying to tell you that she’s ready to “eat” you unmercifully until you knocked out by your own dirty and wild fantasy.

Well, when the rumors blew in the air said that Playboy is going to be published in Indonesia (and now it’s already well done!)-- without saying whether I was pro or contra either to Front Pembela Islam and other parties who tried to banned the realization because of pornography as the main reason or even the parties who sincerely agreed the publishing with their mind set concept of ‘art sake’ and entertainment *No, I don’t want to talk about that, let yourselves figure out on which party I stand*–- the single thing on my mind was my condolence from my deepest heart as a human who was born with a female gender. Until now on, my condolence still sadly adhered on me involving my self interpretation on seeing the insanity of this world.
It might be sounds cliché or worse of it, it might be sounds exaggerating. But here on my blog, I’d like to say this subjectively with my personal thought cause I surely do sure that you guys have your own opinion on this since everything in the world turned to be something that we couldn’t afford to see objectively *if it does, of course there will be no war, controversy and pro-contra!*.

PLAYBOY. Okay, what’s wrong with that? Well, I don’t mean to be a provocateur or an innocent kid who pretend to be innocent, but honestly this controversial and sensational magazine covered up with red color and Andhara Early posed --okay let me say: politely-- close up on it has made me really want to share my “shouts and hellos” to all of you guys who had involved yourself to this PLAYBOY, the most uproaring nowadays news topic, direct or indirect.

So dear everyone wherever you are, let me be pleased to say:

-Two thumbs up for Tiara Lestari, an Indonesian model who had became a controversial Playboy International version model cover and had realized her mistakes after she saw her beloved mother was terribly in sadness and disappointed knowing her nudity spread all over the world to satisfy male’s hormones. Now, she has reborn herself, promised to her mother to restart her life with her new commitment that she would make a reincarnation of her career- from a sensual to elegant model. Good for her, at least it proves that she is much more morally behave-- cause as she said, all her career success weren’t as worthy as her love to her mother--and of course, as a former sensual and sexy model, later on her beauty and wonderful body will be more “expensive” to be consumed. Realize it or not, she had helpfully helped herself raise her female gender value as a behavior woman. Salute!

- Deepest condolence to Andhara Early. Don’t you ever realize that your decision on being the first Indonesian Playboy cover model is not upgrading your popularity to be much better? That was too bad, dear. It just turned to be worse. Don’t know what was on your mind when you decided to accept that job, yes there is no nudity on that first edition magazine, but your latest sensational news about your baby (and whoever the father is) that had filled the infotainment spot is still freshly on our mind. So if you want to make a sensation to rise up your popularity, don’t be scared… Just behave, dear. Show your good attitude to be a better one.

- Assalamualaikum to Front Pembela Islam. Don’t want to say too much, but please, where have you been long time a go before Playboy release in Indonesia?! Don’t you ever SEE that there is a lot of cheap tabloid that expose -the wants to be famous- infamous woman with bikini offering her cheap body with cheap photography angle with naïve and uncomfortable to be read headlines standing impolitely in every single newspaper kiosks as far as you can see? Isn’t it contains pornography too? I surely believe that you really know what kind of those cheap tabloids consumer are. Doesn’t it teach them lot of sins? If it does, no wonder that there was lot of sexual criminality happened by those cheap tabloid consumer class. Yes, pornography is one kind of sin, but would you mind if I ask you with honor that if you banned PLAYBOY, you have to banned those tabloids too. Thank you very much.

- Hello to everyone who thinks that pornography is an art. Well, as an artist *hey, I’m a fresh graduate from art and design faculty, I’m a designer, so it means I’m an artist! Ha-ha*, yes, photography is an art. Yes, that God has created His creatures with high value of art. Ladies with their beautiful body, and gentlemen with their masculine shape, oh yes indeed. But if those wonderful God’s art creation appears too much (in this case in photography), it turns to be a pornography rather than art. Why porn? Because it stimulates hormones on a bad way; turns you on so that it couldn’t be called as an art anymore. Art is something that should be appreciated with senses, not with dirty lust.

- Loud yell to all man with stupid and shallow way to release their testosterones. YOU BETTER DIG YOUR OWN CEMETERY FROM NOW ON BECAUSE YOU GUYS DON’T BELONG HERE!! Don’t you have another job besides thinking about your hormones parade??!! Good man doesn’t treat woman as his hormonal objects. Good man treats woman with respect, not lust and dirty fantasy.

- Slap to all ladies who sincerely share herself for free. Over and over again, female is always being male’s object. WAKE UP YOU BITCHES!! God as the best creator ever has created us, female, as a special and extraordinary gorgeous creature to be APPRECIATED with RESPECT. The more you appear yourself cheap, the more lust you done, the more insult and unrespectable thing you got. Think twice.

2006-04-03T10:43:00.000+07:00

Someday...

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven.

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart, have you begging please,begging please.
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.

*Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings plays melodious in the air*

I was reminding myself about the death in a sudden. Beyond my obsolescence thought on an obscurity intersection of my present life, I woke my mind up and yelled to myself out loud: “THANK GOD, I’M STILL ALIVE!”
I smiled on a cynical smile and asked myself, “Am I really ready to die?” And yet was in a great damn anxious feeling and worried about this horrible question.
The only reason why I was asking my self about the death was… hey, we never know when will we going to die, and we never know how long we will be alive. Somehow, it was nothing but a muse—someday, I’ll be gone.

Well, the essential things to be prepared for the up coming day are a prepared soul, good deed charity provisions, and all kind of vertical relationship to the All Mighty includes other life matters. I still remember that I have some friends who passed away years a go. One passed away because of Leukemia when I was on the second grade of junior high school- a girl named Rani, the twin sister of my classmate Rina. She was been struggling to hold herself on, fighting Leukemia for almost 2 years. On her day, she was extremely on a compassional condition—and everybody was so hard to let her go, especially her twin sister who had accompanied her for so long.
The other one was my former high school friend named Anton who passed away when I was on the second grade—this one passed away on a really tragic way: suicide. I still remember his rebellion upon our teacher, until one day I heard the news that he was dropped out from school. Had no idea what made him determined himself to end up his life, several months later my entire school were terribly shocked knowing his unbelievable tragic way on ending his life.
Next was Fajar, my beloved first year high school classmate who passed away on a traffic accident several week before our national final exam. It was really such an unfortunate way for him; a clever boy with good school achievement has ended his life too soon. His dream was enter Geodesy Faculty of ITB, and as long as I know him, he is really a good boy. Always do Dhuha pray while the rest of students were blasting the school canteen on riot, never do cheating on every examinations, and seemed really well prepared on facing the final exam. I still remember that he had just told his crush about his feeling and being denied several week before, and we were joking warmly couple of hours before the accident.
The last was Sasa, my lovely friend from Art and Design Faculty who passed away about 3 years a go- when I was on the third year of college. She was really a lovable and adorable girl- I bet she would be graduated as the best student of 2001 if she was still ‘here’. She always got A mark on every subjects, and -if I’m not mistaken- she got GPA 4 out of 4 scales on her last semester. Somehow, maybe it was already been written, she had to face her story of life- passed away so young because of pleurisy.

*deep sigh*

Okay, let me take a deep breath first. Well, maybe the point is... One day, the day will come. It’s all been written on our life scenario. Thing we had to prepare is “the charity stock”, the vertical relationship with God. Death could come in a sudden, unexpectedly. Life is full of surprises, life and death is a big secret. As a human with such a limited capability and power, we never know what will happen tomorrow, even a second after now. *Damn, I’m frightened by my own!!!!*

Tears in heaven, the song by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings was still humming in a gentle and slow whisper on my radio…
…Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?...

Will everybody be missing me if I’m gone to heaven? Am I worthy enough to be missed if I’m gone?

I asked my self, and I wonder…

2006-03-27T09:38:00.000+07:00

Okay, so it means... I am *NOT* a lady?!

I HATE PEOPLE’S PERCEPTION OF HOW A LADY SUPPOSED TO BE.

They always say that a lady supposed to wear skirt and high heel.

I might be a girl who hasn’t been such a “real girl” for my whole life. I am not into skirt, pink, high heels, cosmetics, and another kind of ‘girl’ stuffs freak yet really hate when someone says I’m a boy rather be. I am kind of -comfortable suit lover- kind of person; I prefer to appear as the way I am with the way I like; I wear skirt because I want to, not either because I have to or because someone asked me to. I was like “Hey, don’t force me to wear skirt, high heels, lipstick, mascara, blush on and bla bla blah things just to make me looked more feminine or girly because it is none of your business to change the word of feminine onto someone’s appearance!.”

I love wearing t-shirt, blue jeans and running shoe. Is that bothering you?!! Urgh..puh’lease!!!

I HATE PEOPLE’S PERCEPTION OF HOW A LADY SUPPOSED TO BE.

They always say that a lady supposed to have long hair and fair skin.

Okay, just watch all the single shampoo and beauty product commercials on your TV screen- it explain everything, isn’t it? Well, as a –-supposed to be an advertiser but at least had some little experiences in advertising –- let me tell you that (hope it won’t break the advertising ethics) everything is such a fake. If you ever heard about Photoshop, okay... that was sort of Photoshop kind of thing for video imaging- that touched everything on the commercial up and manipulated the hair and skin to be such an amazing gorgeous beautiful black hair and fair smooth skin image on screen (of course after full of tricky things to make the talent’s hair and skin to be good looking on the scene before shooting!!).

And I... I’m just a dark skinned ‘lady’.
So, the girl with short hair and dark skin wasn’t supposed to be called as a lady, huh?!

I HATE PEOPLE’S PERCEPTION OF HOW A LADY SUPPOSED TO BE.

They always say that a lady supposed to have thin body with great big breast and butt.

3B or Beauty, Brain and Behavior on the beauty pageant contest are absolutely NONSENSE. The fact is, the 3B -–has always should be-- additionally added with the next 2B which always be seen on a perfect lady: BREAST and BUTT.
Just get real, honey. If Putri Indonesia or Miss Universe is only based on that 3B without give a damn on the last 2B… a girl with 145 cm tall, 80 kg weight, 32A cup of bra, huge leg and fat bottomed, graduated as a summa cumlaude from the greatest college from her country, still virgin until she get married and always do a damn noble things in her life like Mother Theresa.. is absolutely could be the winner!! *but too bad, maybe she was just too shy to list herself*

I have got my weight up to 6 kilos since I work on my office (okay, so now it was not a secret anymore, guys!!!), and everybody keep mocking me with these words: ilma si chubbydut, semok, molekh, bahenol, gendut, badag, etc--> all that words mean one: FAT.
Those bla bla blahs mocking statements (well, it was just a joke for making fun on me anyway) seemed to be just a joke- once again, a joke. But one thing that makes me fed up is—they pushing me to do DIET, because I am a lady... and they said that a lady is NOT supposed to be FAT. What an apprehensive shallow thought!!! Arrggghhh, c'm ooonnnn!!

And you know, living with lots of man in my surroundings (especially now, for your information; in my office, the comparison between men and women is almost 10:1!!!) is terribly such an uncomfortable thing sometimes. Well, I think they have to be punished like- ‘Hey, go to hell guys, I got to cut your neck and shoot you die until you ran out of your blood!”—every time they talk and have a nasty conversation about the girl with her big sexy breast and butt that could make them turn on and sweaty on their fantasy. Geez, it is such a disgusting thing to be heard, you god damned!!!

OH GOD. I REALLY HATE THIS. YES. THEY DESERVE TO BE SHOT TO DEATH!!

2006-03-20T09:08:00.000+07:00

I'd (not) rather dance than talk with Kings Of Convenience!

Yeah! After I succesfully escaped from my saturday afternoon long meeting (hey, it wasn't supposed to be held on saturday since my office had legally occupied its employees to be worked on a --used to be a holiday- day!!), I was panically on a hurry from my office at 17.30 (the show started at 17!!!) and arrived at Nikko Hotel about half an hour later *bet you even had no idea where my office located at*.

I had to meet my friend who brought me the ticket, so I was struggling through to looking for him in the middle of the crowd (for your information, the ticket for 2000 seats had already sold out 1,5 months before the show). We finally got in, and oh God, the area was full of those drop dead gorgeous boys *slurrpp, wink2* (and girls) around!
Because I was late, I missed the White Shoes and The Couples Company, and when I arrived there was Mocca performed on stage.

Anyhow, finally.. Kings Of Convenience is in the house!! Well, Erlend Oye and Erick played damn great, smooth and tidy. The audience seemed really enjoyed the acoustic and sang along by every beat and lyrics. The atmosphere was being much hotter on the climacs which is the last and most waited song; I'd rather dance. The show ended at 22, but 'the attendant show' hasn't ended yet-- cute and handsome cool boys... AaaRrGgHhh!!! *wink2* ;P

I honestly brought you some videos recorded by my cell phone, but unfortunately all couldn't be opened because of unsupported formats and some errors! ;-(

2006-03-10T17:37:00.000+07:00

ilmamorphosis*)

Realizing the reality that I am getting older day by day *hiks*, I looked for my old photo albums and found several pictures whispering me that I had been so grown up for about 23 years since I was born on 1982. When I opened the old dark blue photo albums with a cute little girl as the main object of the cover, I found lots of funny face smiling innocently on the pictures- and it was me. On the first page, I found a little piece of paper with strong tidy lines written by my father- and I realized that it was a poem he wrote at 23.45 o’clock in 18 February 1985 with his huge lovable embrace remembering his eldest daughter *Oh my God, touchy!! T_T’ *. Here it is:

After all, I opened one folder full of pictures on my computer- contains either scanned old picture or transferred from digital cameras- and I found myself that I had been ‘metamorphosing’; from a little innocent spoil and naughty little girl to a –not a girl, not yet a woman- one.

And now, here I am!! And I was trying to reflect upon my self that when I was a kid I surely didn’t know that I’ll be grown up as the way I am now; a –trying to learn how to be mature- girl with a fat bottomed and a –never do sport- body *ha-ha*, working as a graphic designer at a research and development motorcycle company, living alone in Jakarta and currently typing a post to be posted on my personal blog. ;D

*) another way to show my narcissism, huahahaha!! ;P

2006-03-06T07:41:00.000+07:00

Welcome to the club!

Last Saturday was the day I’ve been waited most after 7 months of working and associating with ‘the social relation of work’- especially after I watched Jomblo; a film full of campus life story.
It was the graduation day, and some of my friends from the same year (2001) were graduated-- free from all of campus’ trifling matters. And I- was really enthusiast and so excited attending this event- first, because I was really miss my friends and campus atmosphere so much (yes, it was all because of Jomblo!); second, because graduation day is the most exciting campus event ever; third, because some of my best friends were graduate that day; and fourth, because I was going to meet some special persons.

Then, the time had come. After be gathered on the faculty canteen and had a little chit-chat with some of my missing friends-- and you know what, everybody said I’m FAT and “sexier” (okay, I put those quotation marks on the “sexier” word; dunno was that mean complimentary or insult T_T)-- we went to Sabuga to welcome the graduates.
Sabuga was really crowded, and finally-- after waiting the graduates exit the building for almost 3 hours with the crowd that hectically made us had a great headache-- we went to Student Center Boulevard (hey, it was used to be held in Plaza Widya!) to watch our faculty first grade students performance; the must see event from Art and Design Faculty junior welcoming the graduates. The theme was about cowboys and stuffs; but I didn’t notice the performance as well because I was too busy with my crazy friends though!

And as usual, my faculty held FANCY NITE as the graduation party; a-should be costumed- party with a blue dragon and a big boat as the main property of the decoration. Well, the event was going so well, but unfortunately (for me), the attendance were full of juniors (2004 to 2002) and less of 2001. :(

Okay then, let these pictures explain you (hopefully) everything! ;D

Well, I am going to say congratulation especially for Radi (Selamat ya di, kapan2 kita bikin reuni gank bubat bareng si Mamang ya!), Hendro (Hai cumi-cumi berkumisss!! Selamat ya bo’, jangan lupa cukur kumis, hahahaha!!), Fira (Congrats ya fir, makasih lho makan2nya kemaren, sering2 yakk! ;P Sukses buat kantor barunya di Sudirman!), Kiki (Selamat bergabung di Jakarta, ingat, ibukota jauh lebih kejam daripada ibu tiri!), Daud, Tedjo & Mikail (selamattt! selamatttt!), Citra (Selamat ya neengg! Ayo cepetan nyusul ke Jakarta!), Banung (Dapet titipan selamat tuh.. ciiee), Irfan (Woooii, lo punya utang makan2 tuh sama guee!! Hehe.. selamat yaa!), Didot (Maju terus advertising! Huahahhh!!), Kumy (Selamat ya bo’, sukses buat percintaan, hahah.. cerita2 siahh!), Ogi (Ogiii.. slamat yaa robotnya gaya!), Uli (Selamat ya liii.. cepetan nyusul Mala!;p), Tantri (Congrats ya jeng, sukses ya di Itali-nya!), Uti (Utiii!!! Prikitiww! Gaya lah maneh, menelan banyak korban euy.. hahah!!), Dinamysa (Dinaa.. Sugoi ne! Sukses ya di Jepang.. Sukses juga sama Tomo-nya!), Nia (Niaaa.. muah2, selamat yaa.. kapan2 maen bareng dan curhat2an lagi ya!!) & Kijing (Akhirnya jenggot tercukur habis.. haha, selamat yaa!). And the last but not least, once again.. CONGRATULATION to all my 39 graduate beloved friends that successfully graduated this month, wish you all the best for your future!! Welcome to the club!! ;D

2006-02-28T13:05:00.000+07:00

Past- Present- Future: life goes on!

Last Wednesday at Ohlala café, I met one of my best friends from my junior and high school-- a cute and lovely long haired chubby baby who was used to be an announcer on a youngster radio station in Bandung and was also been ‘sacrifice’ her self to puke celebrities’ life up on a national TV station (if you tend to be an infotainment freak you might recognize her -almost-sounds-like Ade Herlina- jolly voice reporting hot updated happening celebrities’ rumors) until she finally got better job as a media planner on a local advertising agency.
After all uproar chit-chat that spontaneously ‘blasted’ because of our great excitement of seeing each other that night (yes we finally met after several failed appointment and I bet you can guess what the topic of our conversation was: love and life, for sure) – we were promise to make this rendezvous to be held regularly twice a month *hopefully could be accomplished well, ya?*

Anyway, several months before we met on that last Wednesday, we were also had a little gathering at Blend café plus our another one best friend—a –let-me-call-her- Miss Love Loyal; a sweet patient and calm girl who’s been one step ahead spiritually by wearing jilbab for about the last 3 years and has been in a relationship for 7 years (let me repeat it, SEVEN years!! *what a long journey you’ve been!!* and please do not compare her long term successful relationship with mine *hiks*).
We were so enthusiast on the enthusiasm of gathering that day; talking about love (that was the 50% of our chit-chats and it’s all about boys, boys and boyss...), life (40% contains our past, present life and future’s plan incl. gossip *hey, no.. it’s a FACT!*, ha-ha) and some not-too-important to be discussed stuffs (the rest 10% was just discussing girl stuffs like style, foods and so on).

Three of us were from the same junior high school and also the same high school yet not too close enough to be called as ‘friends’ after being much more closer on the third grade of high school. Moreover, I and Miss Love Loyal (ha-ha, I bet Djuwi will also be laughing out loud reading this nickname, *sorry Windaaa…*) were from the same elementary school but had never been a classmate though.
Well, what I am going to tell you is- just imagine this: we were almost be “together” in our entire life; we were used to talk about unimportant things every time we met- just nothing but make ourselves laughing or whatsoever. And now, guess what- we absolutely had no idea that one day (which is our last meeting) we’re going to talk about such a serious thing: L I F E. Life is simple, but complicated. Easy, but difficult. Relax, but serious. Obvious, but unpredictable. And we realized that we are facing ‘the real life of the life’ itself. Graduated from college, we’re all facing the next step to make ourselves closer to the real world in the future with all valuable experiences of life behind. So, what next??? What is going to be our next leap after graduated? (And I bet that the biggest leap of our life is marriage!!! *Hello windaaa… your wedding is in front of your eyes!!* ha-ha!)

Dear friends, do you remember your past? Just try to go flashback, rewind your memories and remind your self about your past; your childhood, your puberty, your school and college moments. I believe that you really had no idea about what is going to be on your present life now, especially your future.

Yes, once again, we’ll never know because life is such a mystery. It is full of surprises. So, I just want to say to all of you guys; Welcome to the real world, welcome to maturity, welcome to career, welcome to marriage, welcome to the future. Ha-ha!

Remember, we’ll never know what is going to be the day after today, even one second after you read this post. But Allah does. Good luck! :D

2006-02-27T12:16:00.000+07:00

The greatest affection is the powerful family affectional embrace

Getting homesick after 2 weeks full of pressureness on living in such a mean city called Jakarta, I decided to spend my weekend by visiting my home sweet home in Bandung only for sleeping in my truly comfortable bed in my cozy atmosphere chamber *well, I think so!*, enjoying such a ‘peaceful’ city (at least not as bad as Jakarta!) and of course for getting a huge embrace and affection of my lovely family.
Believe me, that 2 weeks was like 2 years for me; I felt that it was really such a long time- so I was so excited seeing my lovely hometown *what a spoil kid!*.

Anyhow, my weekend this time was full of discussion matters; serious conversation between me, my father and my mother, in my really ‘family gathering atmosphere’ living room. And the topic was about life, emotion vs. ratio things, career, religion and maturity. Well, I was born and grew up in a democratic (free to choose the way but keep on the right track), little bit conventional type (in a good way), professing Islamic spiritual belief attentively (yet need to learn more) and always discuss everything- openly state our thought and freely share our mind for a better way based on our family principal understanding (which contains the -how to keep-emotion and ratio-balanced with-religion belief- way of thinking).

Started from my outpouring feeling; I told them about my career case distraction (just read my former post titled ‘Like a marriage with no love (so how to get the affection appeared))’ and my really strange and weirdo psychological condition (read the ‘Tell me that my feeling was wrong, please?’ post)—then the discussion flew into such a serious type of conversation, reflecting what was going on upon my self lately and be wistful on realizing what the meaning of life is.
Well… the discussion was really deep and full of advices, and after all- I didn’t realize that my tears was falling trough my cheeks- I am absolutely proud being the part of this lovely family…

"My Lord! Bestow Thy mercy upon my parents, as they raised me up when I was little" (Holy Qur'an, Al Isra' 17:24)

2006-02-13T08:37:00.000+07:00

Like a marriage with no love (So how to get the affection appeared?)

I’d like to make a confession here:

I’ve been married to this guy for about 6 months. Yes, marriage- a formal union committing to be together either for happiness or sadness, officially in a promise of unity in front of preacher, legally signed steadfastly as a partner and evidently engaged one another.

My husband is a wonderful kind, generous and handsome guy- a man with a great and prestigious name, very well known all around the world as a trustworthy professional person with appreciated background of family and life history. With his exclusive and elegant appearance and performance, no wonder- he is such a one in a million; and believe me, I had absolutely no idea why he chose me while there’s millions of woman wanted to marry him out there- and still waiting with a hopefulness hope, wishing that he’ll looking for a new wife to be married one day.

My husband is always fulfilling my necessity of life: high household expense, security and safety guarantee, and…PROUDNESS. Basically, my husband completes me with every single thing I needed, plus ‘trivial matters’ of life: facilitates me with his unlimited force, teaches me with expensive valuable knowledge, gives me a lot of experiences day by day, spoils me with his enormous gift, and so on.

But I don’t love him. I have no passion of making love with him. I have no passion to safe our relationship to be such an everlasting togetherness.

Our marriage has no love. No affectional desire.

I’ll tell you something. I still couldn’t forget my ex-boyfriend. My ex- boyfriend is completely different to be compared to my husband-- a very eccentric guy, stands out totally different than others, rebellious, has a strong desire of provocation, passionate me to sacrifice my life with passion and affection; willing me to dedicate myself with all my life, my heart, my soul, my huge power of energy. And let me say that I love him so much.
Basically, knowing my strong desire and ambition of loving, everybody supports me to keep my relationship with this irresistible guy— but one thing: commit my dedication and love with high responsibility.

Until the day had come. The day when my current husband surprisingly came to proposed me with all his dazzling tremendous enchantment and promises. And I was like being dazed in such a great confusing intersection of life- flustered me with lots of huge question marks on my head: who’s the one I have to choose? What if I choose this bright future going to be guy? What if I tenaciously wishing my boyfriend? Does my affection go to the right person? Is my boyfriend a right person for me? Each of them has its own lack and superiority; and still I had no idea- what had God already planned for my future.

Hour after hour, day by day, night by night passed by with full of prayers. Until finally I got the answer of every single word I said in my sincere wishful pray with a wise thought of patience: “Yes, I would accept his propose. And yes, I would learn to love him day by day. Time will answer. Time will bring me to love”

And voila! So here I am. Proudly stands as a fortunate chosen wife. But after 6 months in togetherness, I still haven’t found my affectional love compared to my ex- boyfriend—yet got lots of fortunate, pleasureness and proudness. Moreover, I heard that my ex- boyfriend is in a great trouble nowadays.

*************************

Please replace these words and re-read the paragraph above:

Married= working, guy= company, husband= engaged job/company, legally signed= officially authority recognized by law, preacher= human resource administrator, new wife=new employee, household expense= salary, love=passion of working, ex- boyfriend=desirous job/company, dedication and love responsibility= professionalism, propose= recruit, enchantment and promises= facility and bright future, trouble= apprehensive situation regarding it’s’ existence.

********

ABSOLUTELY NO. I didn’t mean to be ungrateful. God, everything happens wonderfully. I am truly enjoyed being the part of my company. Yes, it is ABSOLUTELY such a great and exalting bless that You’d been given for me. Nothing more, nothing less- I sincerely say this word yelled from my deepest heart in conscientiousness: ALHAMDULILLAH.
But (believe me, I hate to say this “but”)—yes, maybe human has unlimited satisfaction and so do I—this is not the one I wanted. But who knows, anyone has no force of guessing what God Almighty’s plan and exalted capability of blessing: this job might not be the one I wanted but this might exactly be what I needed.

“You might be dislike something whereas is good for you, and you might be like something whereas is not good for you- in truth Allah knows what you don’t know.” (Holy Qur’an, Al Baqarah 2:216)

Why did I choose this marriage or love story as the analogy of my occupation case distraction? Well, I think those two case have a strong similarity of basic principal thought and understanding; involving the two different side: emotion and ratio.
Emotion= want, desire, lust, love, passion; Ratio= need, exact, reasonable necessity.

God knows what the best thing for us is… In my case, well I hope this is the best thing for me either-- I don’t know. But what I got to do now is trying to stimulate my affection, love and passion to be appeared on my mood of working in this company…and I need more strengthen patience and time. Wish me luck… (Ihdinaa shiratalmustaqqim...)

2006-02-06T09:59:00.001+07:00

Tell me that my feeling was wrong, please?

Friday night in Jakarta, last minutes before I went to my deepest sleep…I said to myself:

I am not a daydreamer, but I’ve been daydreaming so much lately.

I am not an introvert kind of person- keeping my own desperateness and resentful feeling adhered like glue on my unintelligible mind- carelessly give no damn to others, but I’ve been quite introvert these days.

I am not an ungrateful person (of course I don’t mean to be, God), but all that happens to me nowadays had driven me to a confusing principal thought, abandon my wishful dream and impudently forget the kindness of God. Yet, still spontaneously slap myself realizing my erroneous.

I have changed… and I regret.

Time and surrounding change us without giving any opportunity of realizing what is going on. Suddenly, we’ve changed. Better or worse.

And I got the worse, I guess…

Do I really change? Or it was only my feeling? Tell me that my feeling was wrong, please?

(Written with my tangible sight watching the moment of solitude, painfully in a great hunger of my family's embrace and support…)

2006-01-31T08:05:00.000+07:00

The Affection of Friendship

Have nothing to do, nowhere to go and nobody to meet on my last Sunday in Bandung, I woke up lazily and no spirit at all. Getting in fact that I was really in an ‘engagement’ with my pillow and my bed to be laid on, I was anxiously found myself as a human who is unexpectedly been born. No, what I meant was: suddenly I felt like I was been not better than a piece of sh*t since the last couple of days. How could I ever been so stupid so I got to shot myself to die, realizing myself terribly on my own sins. I shall say that I was being trapped on my own stupidity by letting myself wasting my time and energy just to make sure that I’ve done the right thing .

Okay, that was probably exaggerating. Just to make myself excused over and over again: it’s all because I’m crazily facing a woman post graduation syndrome. Oh, damn. Not again, please.

GIRL, KILL YOUR SELF.

Back to my last Sunday morning, I was hoping that I will get some better energy- maybe a good shocking news from my family or something, but still- that Sunday passed boringly like hell until my mom told me that I got a postcard from Switzerland. Gimme a break. Was it from Thomas?

Thomas Uehlinger, a friendly and cheerful Switzerland guy is my former friend from the International Physics Olympiad (23rd IPHO) held 4 years a go in Bali. I still remember his funny blushing face every time I asked about Eka- his lovely Balinese girlfriend, or when I called him a Swiss Cow. We were still keeping in touch as well by e-mails, but I should say that receiving a postcard is much more exciting. Then, that simple postcard with Aborigine picture on it- has successfully turned my dull Sunday to a bright one. On that postcard, he said that he was on a trainee program at Australia (that’s why he sent me an Aborigine pic postcard).

However, that postcard was not only reminded me of Thomas. It unobtrusively explained something deep and meaningful about the art of friendship.

“Friendship is like plant. It will grow up, getting bigger and tough if we feed it by a good communication or at least- always keep in a good touch however it is.”

After all, I tried to remember myself about my social life. Somehow, I was desperately in a great distress to figure out every single name and appearance on my mind that day. Suddenly I felt a strong energy spreads like hell on my blood, missing all of my old friends that I’ve ever known on my surroundings, million days I live on earth. Hey, how are you guys doing now?

++ Miss you all like crazy! ++

2006-01-25T15:51:00.000+07:00

How advertising spoiled

(read: affectionated) me

Check this out: ww.creativecriminal.blogspot.com

Find lots of crazy and brilliant ideas of advertising. Like the blog author- Arvind R says: That's how advertising spoiled me. Enjoy!

2006-01-24T10:10:00.000+07:00

Does your affection go to the right person?

I have no idea, why love is always be the hottest conversation topic around me. Well, everybody does I guess. You know, every love story I've heard (or even I've been in) has made me fall into a deep realization that behind that little spelling word and simple name, love has a huge and complex meaning.

I believe we all had been into this phase: crush on and being crushed on, like and being liked, love and being loved. But the most important thing is... is that 'affection stuffs' behind those words go to the right person, right moment, right situation, right emotion and right ratio? Let me tell you something. Sometimes affection goes to the wrong direction and doesn't match well with -i don't know how to say but maybe it's the right phrase: our obsession.

Couple of weeks a go, I went to Bandung and met some of my best girl friends. Maybe you can guess what the main topic of our conversation on this 'girls talk' is (beside the other -not important to be mentioned stuffs-). Yeahh... all of our conversation conclude to a single word: LOVE. My little sweet bunny teeth with long black haired girl friend has been in a complicated relationship with her brother's best friend for about more than 10 months without an explicit commitment. Until last week, she was still in a big confuse and curiosity about her future relationship with that guy. My other lovely girl friend with a cute and sophisticated style has been in a relationship with a really nice guy for about 2 years till now, but so scare to death realizing her 'not healthy manner' of relationship. And me... humm.. well, I've been in a dilemma situation because of my confusion on this: what if I got who I wanted but not who I needed- or got who I needed but not who I wanted. (But hey, never mind... don't give a damn on me anyway because I don't want to puke up my love story to all of you guys, ha-ha...)

Then, the first thing we tried to think is- Does our affection go to the right person?

Two days after, I met my boy friend (not boyfriend) - a bald, tall and thin guy with a hilarious attitude who has been so close to me since I was 18. He told me that he was still can’t help him self for not to apologize his ex- girlfriend. Even worst than like The Corrs said, that f**king ex- girlfriend is not forgiven, and still not forgotten. He had been in a deep love with my former Junior High School friend for more than 5 years, until she cheated on him. Me, my self, was really surprised when I heard the real story for details 10 months a go, and still- believe me- I still don’t believe of what my lovely Junior High School friend did when he repeated the whole story that day. God, cheating can’t be forgiven- I agreed. A sweet lovely girl could become so mean too.

Then, the first thing I tried to think is- Did his affection go to the right person?

I remembered that I’ve read the book titled “He’s just not that into you”- a book written by Sex and the City staffers Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I read that book by my partner’s reference- she said this book is so inspiring for either single or taken girl. Then, we both call it as a ‘bible’ of love, ha-ha. What I am going to say is, I realized (and getting more realized) that if our affection goes to the right person, we wouldn’t be worried for everything we faced on. Yes, there’s lot of questions struggling in our mind- what guaranteed us that our affection go to the right person, and how could we convince ourselves that this person is the right one?

“Well, the only person you can control in a relationship is you, but the only one you can guarantee is- God knows who the best person for you is.”

So, this is the right time to reflect and ask to your self… Does your affection go to the right person?